Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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