you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
