Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
