you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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