I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
