Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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