Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
