were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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