just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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