lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize