Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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