So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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