i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
