The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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