I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
