Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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