Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How naked do you want me to be?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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