shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
