also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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