I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
