God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
