do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Mom said you looked used
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
