Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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