Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize