I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
