My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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