R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
