Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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