I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Farmville is her only friend.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize