Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
