Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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