totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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