I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
