it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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