The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
