i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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