i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize