I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
