ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
