god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
