this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
