Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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