I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
