I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
