I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
