I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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