he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She even gives head with a lisp.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
