I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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