just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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