you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
