i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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