we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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