sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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