you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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