wakey wakey hands off snakey
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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