Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize