Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
