i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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