ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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