I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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