I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
