The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
