Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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