We named our party play list daddy issues
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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