Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
