Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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