Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
