3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
